Ten years ago today was my construction accident that left me now partly disabled. No signs of cancer from the awful caustic that took much of my nerves and skin from my feet and ankles so far. Nerve damage gets worse, no sense of temp until extreme, balance gets worse and worse.

Ten years ago today, I learned when Uni tells you to slow down, it might just be a good idea to listen.

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Everyone that saw the pics told me it was his way of letting me know he is watching over me. I had just seen the frost and thought of how awesome it was for nature to make such an awesome design to cheer me up,lol. That was even before anyone saw the face in it. There is also a tennis shoe in the bottom left of it. I had stopped my daily walks because for some reason it upset him so bad, he was constantly afraid that someone was going to try to hurt me, not just walking, always afraid of it. We began occasionally going for walks to Lost Lake or the nature preserve along the causeway on North Muskegon, or whereever we felt like going that day. When I had to explain to him that the doctors couldn't save him, that he had to go on,I promised him that we would still be together, just he wouldn't have his body any more, and that he would be able to watch over me on my walks this way. I believe this is the shoe in it, telling me to get back to me walks, he is watching over me.  

The whole thing was very sad. Darren hated life, he always said he wanted to go to sleep and just not wake up. He had a few health problems that were getting really painful. Then this happens, he got very sick the first week of December, I managed to get him over here so that I didn't have to keep running back and forth between the two houses. He was able to go home for a day or two twice during that month, when he would get back here he would be worse again. But he began to realize how much I cared for him when I was taking care of him, and never missed a chance to tell me he loved me, which he never did that much. Not that he didn't love me, just he came from a family where you just don't show affection. The time he had with me was the first time he had ever really been loved. So, during December, we got so much closer than we had ever been, and developed a very very deep bond.

He wouldn't allow me to let his family know what was going on ( I had only met his mom and one brother once, he didn't want me around his family, he wanted me to himself and my house his place to avoid them) and he refused medical help. He had cirrhosis, it had moved into the final stage, we didn't know he had it before this. When it got where he couldn't even get to the bathroom himself he agreed to let me call his family and get him to ER. That was Jan. 2. They said he would not make it through the night. He slipped into a semicoma. I was the only one he would make any communication with, unintelligable except the word NO!! When I would try to leave or tell him that I would be OK when he passed on. Since we were allowing him to go, liver was gone and kidneys were close to it, so they took out all tubes and just gave him morphine, and let nature do its thing.

Monday his vitals had not changed, we got Hospice finally and got him moved there. I had seen the ER doctor and he looked at me and asked if Darren was on that floor, I told him yes and that his vitals were unchanged since Saturday night, the guy about landed on the floor along with his jaw! I began trying to figure out why he may be hanging on, he always wanted so bad to die, and now he was fighting it with all he had. I went over finances and stuff with him, let him know we were taking care of all financial, there were no loose ends. That didn't do it. Every time I would mention his going on, he would yell NO and begin to get tears in his eyes. That was when I explained to him that there was no way the doctors could save him, there was no way for him to stay. Yep, figured it out. He was hanging on to life fiercely waiting for the doctors to heal him up so he could go back home with me. He wanted more than anything for us to be together. After this he did begin to let go, and every time I would talk to him he would make noises back to let me know he was listening, and would have tears running down his face. I stayed with him by his side to the end, when he passed, it was no pain, no nothing, two gasps and he went to sleep. Wednesday morning the 6th at 10:20.

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http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=58941396921&ref=mf

Hope this works! Really funny .

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  Lets see if I can get the disconnected words typed that are floating around in fragments in my head. I found this to be my biggest blockage when trying to heal. This one was only cleared just months ago.

  Ego is such a bad thing, yet it is essential for our survival also. Problem is, it doesn't know when to stop, and sees everything as a threat, even when it is nothing. Ego will convince us it is a threat, and go into protective mode, resulting in the odd behaviors that people tend to have. Often we do not see the behavior or realize that we did something at all. It happens without thinking, automatically, ego holds our fight or flight response too. Our very survival is due to the ego protecting self.

  Ego causes us to want to control everything. You may not even realize you are doing it! I sure didn't. I hated control freaks! But they seemed to be everywhere! Yah, projection for sure,lol. When things in life didn't go as I wanted them to, something "bad " happened, I would go into a deep depression. Everything seemed wrong, out of control, nothing was happening that was good. What did I do to deserve this? I am a good person, why is this happening to me?????

  I have the feeling this will sound familiar to many other people. And with this feeling comes the outsiders- I call them outsiders because depression makes you feel as if you are alone behind some window watching everything going on, but you don't feel a part of it, no one sees you, no one understands, no one cares to try to understand, they are too busy putting you down, telling you to stop acting this way, you are just doing this on purpose, quit feeling wsorry for yourself, you can stop this if you really wanted to, stop being such a crybaby, you will never be told by me to "just stop acting like that" because I know all too well, you have no control over it. the darkness, living in a world that seems to have the color drained out of it. (To this day, as soon as I wake up, I look around me because I want to be sure to see the color to know I am OK!  ) You get so tired of hearing it from people that you begin to avoid human contact, you are sick of hearing the put downs, insults, crap, from people that have no clue. And they don't know, they can't. Only a person that has lived in the deep dark pit with no light can understand. But don't try to tell them that! It only makes things worse!And it only makes the physical pain feel worse to try to understand the words that are coming from them, it almost sounds like they are in water, or like you are in water. It hurts to concentrate or think. It hurts BAD!

  When I was depressed, I didn't give a damn. When I took meds, I didn't give a damn that I didn't give a damn.   The way I stopped depressions was to give up trying to control everything in my life. I don't remember how I learned about it it was so long ago. Depression is often caused because of not being able to control. I had to stop asking why me, and trust that everything would work out as it is meant to.

  Yah, this sounds crazy, I know. "What, I am supposed to give up living, and just do nothing????????" This isn't about giving up, it is about letting go. Accepting that things happen that you cannot always control, and when these things happen, there is going to be a lesson to learn. I searched and searched to find answers, I am just telling you what I found, please bear with me. Maybe you can't use everything I say, but maybe parts of it will fit for you and help. If I can help even just one person that is battling endlessly with depression, it would make my life more worthwhile. I have spent my whole life helping others, and taking care of others, it is natural for me. My life that seems so lousy was lived so that I can understand others problems and listen, without judgement, and help. Each and every person has a path to walk in life even the most vile criminal has a path they must walk for whatever reason. It isn't up to us to judge their path, it is a lesson for them to learn. We that have gone through depression and have been able to lick it, can help others find their way, we understand, we don't criticize because we know. 

  One person that I tend to love to read is Sylvia Braillier. She is on facebook, and I believe I have her on Twitter also. She has been keeping a website and newsletters are put out regularly. One of hers I made several copies of because people would read it, and want a copy. It is called The Path of Surrender. this one really hit home with me! She states that surrender is NOT giving up, or not caring what happens, it is not subjugating your will. Let me quote this, I have one copy taped to my computer tower next to me! " In every situation,we have the option to act, to attempt change, to apply our will to the given situation.Sometimes that application of intent and energy bears fruit and sometimes it doesn't. The trick is being able to discern when it is appropriate to act or push, and when it is appropriate to let go and surrender to the flow of life. Sometimes we give up too quickly and sometimes we refuse to surrender, even when surrender is the very thing that will set us free.

  So when is it the right time to choose to surrender? Lets say you always wanted to be 5'8"tall. You get to 5'7" and that is it. This is an example of karma that can't be changed. Well, sure I suppose you could go have the bones of you leg stretched through surgical interventionm but why? Does it really matter that much?

  Or perhaps you have a beautiful and expensive shirt that you wear to a party. Someone spills grape juice on it and you can't get it out. You can try and try, but it's not going to be the same color again. Sure you can let go of the fact that you can't wear the shirt any more, but will it serve you to still be angry and at the person who spilled it? Probably not. This is the principle of surrender, letting go of that which we cannot change.Being angry will never bring that shirt back.

  Anger or frustration is a choice;a choice to be attached to things, beings or situations being a certain way. Through detachment we are free to have peace regardless of what is going on. This is true surrender. It is the path of grace. By making surrender a conscious choice through positive attitude, awareness and acceptance, we are able to gracefully set ourselves free from the things that we cannot change. This gives up more energy to apply to the things we can and should change."

  Eckhart Tolle also refers to this in his book "A New Earth" his book helped me to break through the last obstacle holding me back from awakening. I had to learn what the ego does, even when we don't realize what it is doing to stop it, and be able to let go of everything. Everything changes, everything will someday be gone. The ego causes attachment, often to things that make no sense! The ego wants to control everything everywhere in order to feel safe. Even if it makes no sense.

I hope this may have helped someone that is struggling, and if it didn't help, please know, you are not going crazy, depression sucks, but until you can solve the issue that caused it, you cannot completely make it to the light at the top of that long deep pit, you will only continue to fall back, but you CAN do it, but not the way outsiders will tell you! Do NOT let the outsiders make you feel worse, this is something you need to go through for whatever reason. When you do at last make it out without falling back down, you will be in a postion to be able to encourage others to do the same. Only one that has been there can understand and help!

Next maybe I will tackle projection, or maybe the shadow. Both will be upcoming subjects!

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